The End of the World
I still live on campus, so I am cursed to wander Boone on foot.
Because I am lazy, places like Cook Out and Taco Bell are completely out of the question, leaving King Street as the last remaining stronghold of off-campus foodstuff.
Imagine the horror I felt when I found that Daylight Donuts is no longer a 24/7 establishment. Birds no longer sing outside my window. All the happiness I once felt is gone. Ain’t no sunshine when she gone.
The problem isn’t that I can no longer get an apple fritter at 5 o’clock in the morning.
No, it’s far worse.
The problem is that I can no longer get anything at 5 o’clock in the morning: Daylight Donuts was the only 24/7 place anywhere in town.
The repercussions of this scheduling change are felt strongest by us schleps still living in dorms, because, unless we can scrounge up a ride to Cook Out, we have only the food within the dank confines of the vending machine known only as The Wheel of Death to satisfy us past 11 o’clock on weekdays.
Wheel of Death food has a very good pre-digested meat impression.
Its taste can range anywhere from vomit to fresh roadkill, leading me to believe that the makers of the so-called “food” items found in the machine are lying about the nature of their products. The makers of the Rowdie Pork Rib Sandwich pulled no punches, claiming openly the fallacy of their labeling, which reads “Rib-shaped pork patty.”
No, I’m not kidding.
There is no rib meat in the rib meat sandwich.
I fear that the A1 Beefsteak Sandwich contains neither beef nor steak. In fact, in my darkest moments, I am terribly worried that I and my dorm mates have been consuming a clever virus and, at a point in the near future, we will zombify.
Summer would be a great time because we will have all dispersed back to homes, increasing the scope of this nightmarish zombie apocalypse.
No longer would our fair college be a beacon of progress and knowledge in the North Carolina Mountains, synonymous with pride and good will for all.
We would instead be known world-wide as the focal point of this unwinnable, unthinkable conflict against the supernatural forces of evil.
Darkness would oppress the day.
Mountaineers would rule the night and feast on human flesh. World economies would collapse and millions would perish in the futile struggle.
And who is to blame?
Daylight Donuts, shame on you.
-Patrick Babcock
