Spring Break
I hate Spring.
It is paradoxical that such a so-called pretty time of the year is so filled with horror, hatred, and other assorted ire, but what are you going to do?
All of the birth, rebirth, and other forms of nativity that occur during the spring months just as easily could have taken place during the summer, right?
I don’t assume to know the plan for our planet, but as a denizen, I have the right to complain.
I live in Raleigh, and spring is a bit different there.
For example, its less mountainous. But no matter where I find myself, I quite consistently hate this season. There are a couple of things that I’ve noticed are parallel from place to place during this wretched time.
For starters, in the spring, plant sperm envelopes our cars, irritates our eyes, and makes everything a sickly green, the same green a seasick man might turn, the same green associated with baby feces and vomit. All of this unsightly pollen puts everybody in a really horrible mood. What creates this pollen but the budding of flowers on our trees, some of which smell of decaying fish meat.
Throw in crazy weather, and you have all the ingredients that went into the invention of Hell, with the exception of the fallen angel.
These are the very things that are supposed to make spring appealing, but let’s not kid ourselves. I refuse to believe that in this country many people really stop and take in the sights of the rejuvenation of our planet. We’re too busy, and it smells like crap.
Weather in the spring, as evidenced by the last couple days in Boone, is a mixture of absurd spontaneity, lots of rain, and the peculiar feeling that the sky is exacting revenge on us.
One day it will be sunny, just the thing for flying a kite, running through your neighborhood, or sunbathing naked.
The next day, it will be on the cusp of freezing temperature, there will be wind that will rip the skin off your face, and a general unpleasantness usually associated with the DMV, meat locker, and roadkill.
At night, the humidity is so pathetically heavy and cumbersome that people tend to dress in skimpy clothes just to feel even the slightest bit comfortable. There are folks who don’t look like they’ve left the house all winter, and, out of the purest form of cruelty I have ever observed, they are the ones wearing these clothes.
They probably tried to fit into them in the morning only to realize that a few dormant months of eating Doritos and watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on repeat is not exactly conducive to their current wardrobes and now we get the pleasure of feasting our eyes on their accumulated blubber.
Thus, spring sucks.
Everyone’s on their gift-giving high from the past Christmas season, and have now somehow decided that they’ve done their duty to their fellow men, and they don’t feel like they owe us even the slightest bit of happiness.
The weather sucks and being covered in pollen sucks. I feel like getting spring off for break might make more sense than summer. In fact, I’m left puzzled as to why any of us even left our homes in the last couple of weeks.
I have no idea.
-Patrick Babcock
